When do you decide that enough is enough?
That’s when you decide.
I am on my lunch break and my phone didn’t have reception, I was eating food I did not like, I missed an interview because my phone wouldn’t work, it was 97 degrees outside and on top of it all, I had 27 minutes before I had to be back to my desk to do a job that did not interest or challenge me at all. I felt stagnant. I felt overwhelmed. I felt like I was being crushed by the weight of all my “baggage”.
The first thing that popped into my thoughts was that I just wanted to die. I texted my girlfriend at that moment and told her that I wanted to die. The overwhelming thought is that you just can not go on and the only way to solve your problems is to die.
All of this. This was today.
The feeling of being so overwhelmed with my own “baggage” is like having an elephant standing on your chest. But how do we unpack it? Am I going to be carrying this crushing baggage with me for the rest of my life? Because, between you and I, it is starting to get heavy and the handle is fraying.
I hit rock bottom in February 2022. This was the worst time in my life. I went to sleep and woke up every day praying to God that he would just take me, and I wouldn’t have to face another day. I was crumbling. I was a literal shell of the person that I use to be. I turned to drugs. I turned to self-harm. I turned to people that were not in my corner. I made a real mess out of things, and I knew that if a change didn’t happen, I wasn’t going to be here much longer. That is terrifying when you finally wake up from a haze and realize where you truly are in life. Depression, anxiety, trauma, and drug use. My rock bottom opened my eyes.
I started attending therapy (shout out to the best therapist!), I go to see my doctor every month to make sure all my meds are working. I quit my job of 11 years and started a new one. I worked on repairing my relationship and learning how to function again as a successful adult. Yet, something was still missing for me.
Growing up, my mom always sent me and my sisters to church, Every Sunday morning and every Wednesday night we were getting in the church van. I was saved and baptized in the church of my own free will at 9 years old. I knew that following God and living by his word was going to be the way for me. BOY, was I WRONG! I knew when I was 12 years old that I was different. I was a lesbian. I knew I was attracted to women, but I had always been told by the church that this was wrong. I kept going. I lived as such for years even throughout high school, I attended a Baptist church in Florida. But finally, I had to decide that enough was enough. I lost my faith. I lost God.
12 years later, I found myself walking into a church. I didn’t know exactly what I was looking for, or what I was hoping to get out of the experience, but I KNEW at this point in my life that I NEEDED a community. I NEED God by my side. I NEED to know that he loves me even when I feel like I cannot love myself. Being in that church as a 29-year-old with a life partner and hearing the pastor give his sermon, I wept.
We are still living in a world where LGBTQ+ people are still not accepted by the church. God loves me. Jesus died for me. Yet, we are still ostracized by the church.
This is when I decided that I needed a community.
I have scoured the internet, did research, and searched within a 50-mile radius of my home and I am still unable to find a place that felt like home.
I cannot continue to carry all my baggage on my own. I know that I will not be able to survive it. If I couldn’t find an acceptable place to worship, fellowship, and be a part of a community, then I will have to create one.
The LGBTQ+ community is large, and I know in my heart that there is a need for this. That is why I decided to create QFC, Queer Fellowship Community. QFC will be more than a church. It will be more than a place that you show up to on Sunday morning because you feel obligated, or your partner is making you. It will be home. It will be a place to be exactly who you are. It is a place where you will find a family you didn’t know you needed.
God has been calling me, answering my prayers for a purpose in life. God is not stupid. God does not make mistakes. He put all of us here, the way we are, for a reason. And he has answered my prayers.
More details to follow.